Okay you remember that post a couple days ago about me freaking out about the future? yeah. I feel a little bit better about my place in the world.
I just spent the better part of 3 hours planning the next 3 years of my life. I don't know minor details like where I'm going to live for those 3 years or how I'm going to pay for food, but I know what classes I'm going to take. which makes me feel reasonably content that I at least have a chance of getting a job at Random House when I graduate. which of course would be a dream come true.
However, I need some more motivation. I need some big New York posters or something. and a map. and i want to visit on vacation (which my dad will probably not do, but it would be so cool if he did)
Okay here's my plan: I work my ass off for the next 3 years getting a BA in English Language and Literature with a Writing Specialization and a professional Writing Certificate.
sound hard?
Oh, and did I mention that I want to graduate with honors?
it probably won't happen, but I'm aiming for it.
High school was such a personal failure for me that I want college to make me someone that employers want to hire.
That's all. I'm going to have a talk with my adviser to see if it's actually possible to do this. not today. maybe sometime later this week.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Quick! Everyone Panic!
Have you ever thought to the future. . . no, that isn't where I want to start this.
Okay, back when I was in elementary school I thought middle school was so far away that I would never get there. I thought the same thing as a 6th grader for high school, and a freshman for college. what I know now is that whether you like it or not, whether you make a conscious effort to do the best you can every single day, the world moves on. Time, moves on. and you reach the future that you never thought you would reach. back in middle school, thinking I would never get to high school was nothing. high school isn't the real world. it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. you forget what you were memorized for that one history test, and those math equations that you never remembered in the first place that you wrote on your hand for the test. high school doesn't matter.
but now. . . I'm in college, worrying about the future again. but this time it's for real. the future after college is real life, and I'm worried that I'm not cut out for it. what if I can't make it? I'll go crazy if I'm stuck in Vancouver for the rest of my life! but what if. what if I can't make it in New York like I DESPERATELY want to? what am I supposed to do if I'm no good? come back to Vancouver and work at a lame job and live in a second rate apartment? I don't want that kind of life. What if I simply can't do it?
every once in a while these thoughts come back to me and I panic. I know it stems from my abysmally low self-esteem, but that doesn't help the fear that I won't make it in the world. Andrew says that I won't end up destitute on the streets of New York. I think he says it to make me feel better (which he always does when I'm feeling sad) but he says he knows I won't because he "knows me". which I suppose makes sense. i would never let myself live on the streets, especially if there was somewhere else I could go (and I'll always be able to come home to my family in Vancouver, no matter how bad things get).
My friend Thanh says that all we can worry about is the here and now. Whenever I start to worry about the future, I just have to remind myself to slow down and breathe. I'm not there yet, I still have time. all I can do is worry about now. I can start worrying about the future next year when I'm applying for internships. :-p I feel like that's probably going to be a stressful time in my life.
Okay, back when I was in elementary school I thought middle school was so far away that I would never get there. I thought the same thing as a 6th grader for high school, and a freshman for college. what I know now is that whether you like it or not, whether you make a conscious effort to do the best you can every single day, the world moves on. Time, moves on. and you reach the future that you never thought you would reach. back in middle school, thinking I would never get to high school was nothing. high school isn't the real world. it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. you forget what you were memorized for that one history test, and those math equations that you never remembered in the first place that you wrote on your hand for the test. high school doesn't matter.
but now. . . I'm in college, worrying about the future again. but this time it's for real. the future after college is real life, and I'm worried that I'm not cut out for it. what if I can't make it? I'll go crazy if I'm stuck in Vancouver for the rest of my life! but what if. what if I can't make it in New York like I DESPERATELY want to? what am I supposed to do if I'm no good? come back to Vancouver and work at a lame job and live in a second rate apartment? I don't want that kind of life. What if I simply can't do it?
every once in a while these thoughts come back to me and I panic. I know it stems from my abysmally low self-esteem, but that doesn't help the fear that I won't make it in the world. Andrew says that I won't end up destitute on the streets of New York. I think he says it to make me feel better (which he always does when I'm feeling sad) but he says he knows I won't because he "knows me". which I suppose makes sense. i would never let myself live on the streets, especially if there was somewhere else I could go (and I'll always be able to come home to my family in Vancouver, no matter how bad things get).
My friend Thanh says that all we can worry about is the here and now. Whenever I start to worry about the future, I just have to remind myself to slow down and breathe. I'm not there yet, I still have time. all I can do is worry about now. I can start worrying about the future next year when I'm applying for internships. :-p I feel like that's probably going to be a stressful time in my life.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
It's midnight and I'm Hyped
Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because I got 16 hours of sleep last night. maybe it's because I'm so full of nerves and stress that i can't sit down at my computer and do a single constructive thing. maybe it's for some other reason. but what can I do about it? well I'm going to take a drive. after I at least START my revisions to my paper that's due in the morning. well. in the afternoon. maybe a run would be better. maybe I'll drive to the middle of no where and then I'll just run. like no one even cares who I am or where I am going. Like I don't care where I am or where I'm going. because this night needs to be taken advantage of because I can feel it's beauty surrounding me and I just need a drive and a run.
Have a good night.
Have a good night.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Feminism is for bitches.
Seriously. I used to call myself a feminist before I wised up. in my opinion, feminism is a movement by a bunch of bitter females who want to say that they can do a mans job without putting the work into it. Yes, women can do anything a man can do. . . you know, except pee standing up. women have to kind of squat if they want to do that. . . anyway. a woman can do a "man's job" just as well as a man. however, as men both think differently and develop differently it takes a shitload more effort on the woman's part. for instance, if a woman wants to be a fire fighter I say more power to her. however, she has to be willing to sacrifice a lot to get that. fire fighters have to be strong. period. men are stronger than women. it's genetics. but, a woman CAN be strong enough to do the job, she just has to work like hell to get there. she has to work a lot harder than any male would have to.
If I may use a literary reference here, in the Protector of the Small book series by Tamora Peirce the main character (Kel) want to become a knight. no one thought she could do it because she was a girl. she worked her ass of (working much harder than ANY of the men in the book) to be a knight. was it fair? maybe not. but it's how it had to be because without doing that she wouldn't have been able to be on the same ground as the men. they would all have to worry about her not being strong in a combat situation and that in turn would make them weaker. any group is only as strong as their weakest person.
the same thing applies to any woman who wants to do a man's job. they can't whine and complain that they have to work harder than the men do. I saw a documentary in psychology last year that talked about the difference between a man and a woman's genetic differences. in the documentary a "feminist" lawyer talked about how the standards for women to be a fire fighter should be lower than a man's standard because a woman can't be expected to carry as much as a man or to run as fast as a man. Frankly, I think that's bullshit. and if that's how the fire fighters are being run I hope to god my house never burns down.
As a woman, I think it's very nice to be thought of as a person and not an object. and it's very nice to be able to vote. but honestly, as a woman I'd rather be treated like a lady from back in the day. where men held open doors for a lady and pushed in their chair. i want to be taken care of. the world is harsh and I want to be protected by a man.
furthermore, I'd rather be a house wife than a working wife any day. I like to make people happy, and that would go double for anyone I loved enough to want to make them my husband. he would take care of me and I would take care of him, cooking and cleaning and making him happy. no more of this "I'm a woman and I want to be treated differently because I'm a woman but I still want to be your equal" bullshit. no. I'm a woman, treat me like a woman.
. . .
Okay. . . now that we all have heard my little rant about society and feminism I think I will say "have a wonderful weekend" to anyone who may read this (which, as I've said before, is probably no one) and I will finish my homework and fall into a much needed and much appreciated drug-induced slumber.
goodbye my dears.
If I may use a literary reference here, in the Protector of the Small book series by Tamora Peirce the main character (Kel) want to become a knight. no one thought she could do it because she was a girl. she worked her ass of (working much harder than ANY of the men in the book) to be a knight. was it fair? maybe not. but it's how it had to be because without doing that she wouldn't have been able to be on the same ground as the men. they would all have to worry about her not being strong in a combat situation and that in turn would make them weaker. any group is only as strong as their weakest person.
the same thing applies to any woman who wants to do a man's job. they can't whine and complain that they have to work harder than the men do. I saw a documentary in psychology last year that talked about the difference between a man and a woman's genetic differences. in the documentary a "feminist" lawyer talked about how the standards for women to be a fire fighter should be lower than a man's standard because a woman can't be expected to carry as much as a man or to run as fast as a man. Frankly, I think that's bullshit. and if that's how the fire fighters are being run I hope to god my house never burns down.
As a woman, I think it's very nice to be thought of as a person and not an object. and it's very nice to be able to vote. but honestly, as a woman I'd rather be treated like a lady from back in the day. where men held open doors for a lady and pushed in their chair. i want to be taken care of. the world is harsh and I want to be protected by a man.
furthermore, I'd rather be a house wife than a working wife any day. I like to make people happy, and that would go double for anyone I loved enough to want to make them my husband. he would take care of me and I would take care of him, cooking and cleaning and making him happy. no more of this "I'm a woman and I want to be treated differently because I'm a woman but I still want to be your equal" bullshit. no. I'm a woman, treat me like a woman.
. . .
Okay. . . now that we all have heard my little rant about society and feminism I think I will say "have a wonderful weekend" to anyone who may read this (which, as I've said before, is probably no one) and I will finish my homework and fall into a much needed and much appreciated drug-induced slumber.
goodbye my dears.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
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