Have you ever

Have you ever felt the need to cry until you fall asleep? to cry long and hard and loud until someone takes your pain away?

That's what I'm feeling right now. and if I had the time, or the tears would come I would allow myself this one indulgence. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

Meaning that I can't even allow myself to do this because I have homework to do. and everything I do (or choose NOT to do) affects my future, and as I want the best possible future, I have to do everything I can to make that a possibility. essentially, I have to give my life to school right now. I can't even afford time to cry. not right now anyways.

My English mid-term is due in t-minus 20 hours and it may or may not take approximately that much time to do it.

Please cry for me.

To Tame the Wild Spirit. . .

If I was a poet, I would make a poem with this title about a girl who dreams of adventure, sitting at her desk doing math homework or something. I think I would enjoy it.

Existential crisis.

okay. not really. but . . . you know how before a major change that you've been anticipating, you imagine how everything is going to be? yeah. and then it never turns out that way? at least it doesn't for me. maybe it does for you. maybe I'm just one of the unlucky ones. anyway, I don't really have the patience right now for this. or the energy. I'm just waiting for the sun to finally go down so I can get some god damned sleep already. I know I was supposed to go to the gym today, but I realized that it would be stupid to start today because I'm donating blood tomorrow and wouldn't be allowed to work out. also, I'm really fucking tired.

The air coming in my window smells like pot.

I'm not really surprised.

Maybe I'll finish this one later.

Night.

My Party Jams (If I Were To Party)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmzXdtYzhFw&feature=related

also

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyMZ1A3QPlc

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mP2srT6hh2Y

oh, and this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLPHAzDMVT4
they make me want to go to a club.

I don't know how to make those the actual video but those are the links. so. . . cool.

Anxiety Averted. . . sorta

Okay you remember that post a couple days ago about me freaking out about the future? yeah. I feel a little bit better about my place in the world.

I just spent the better part of 3 hours planning the next 3 years of my life. I don't know minor details like where I'm going to live for those 3 years or how I'm going to pay for food, but I know what classes I'm going to take. which makes me feel reasonably content that I at least have a chance of getting a job at Random House when I graduate. which of course would be a dream come true.

However, I need some more motivation. I need some big New York posters or something. and a map. and i want to visit on vacation (which my dad will probably not do, but it would be so cool if he did)

Okay here's my plan: I work my ass off for the next 3 years getting a BA in English Language and Literature with a Writing Specialization and a professional Writing Certificate.

sound hard?

Oh, and did I mention that I want to graduate with honors?
it probably won't happen, but I'm aiming for it.

High school was such a personal failure for me that I want college to make me someone that employers want to hire.

That's all. I'm going to have a talk with my adviser to see if it's actually possible to do this. not today. maybe sometime later this week.

Quick! Everyone Panic!

Have you ever thought to the future. . . no, that isn't where I want to start this.

Okay, back when I was in elementary school I thought middle school was so far away that I would never get there. I thought the same thing as a 6th grader for high school, and a freshman for college.  what I know now is that whether you like it or not, whether you make a conscious effort to do the best you can every single day, the world moves on. Time, moves on. and you reach the future that you never thought you would reach. back in middle school, thinking I would never get to high school was nothing. high school isn't the real world. it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. you forget what you were memorized for that one history test, and those math equations that you never remembered in the first place that you wrote on your hand for the test. high school doesn't matter.

but now. . . I'm in college, worrying about the future again. but this time it's for real. the future after college is real life, and I'm worried that I'm not cut out for it. what if I can't make it? I'll go crazy if I'm stuck in Vancouver for the rest of my life! but what if. what if I can't make it in New York like I DESPERATELY want to? what am I supposed to do if I'm no good? come back to Vancouver and work at a lame job and live in a second rate apartment? I don't want that kind of life. What if I simply can't do it?

every once in a while these thoughts come back to me and I panic. I know it stems from my abysmally low self-esteem, but that doesn't help the fear that I won't make it in the world. Andrew says that I won't end up destitute on the streets of New York. I think he says it to make me feel better (which he always does when I'm feeling sad) but he says he knows I won't because he "knows me". which I suppose makes sense. i would never let myself live on the streets, especially if there was somewhere else I could go (and I'll always be able to come home to my family in Vancouver, no matter how bad things get).

My friend Thanh says that all we can worry about is the here and now. Whenever I start to worry about the future, I just have to remind myself to slow down and breathe. I'm not there yet, I still have time. all I can do is worry about now. I can start worrying about the future next year when I'm applying for internships. :-p I feel like that's probably going to be a stressful time in my life.

She's the best witch

That is all.