Okay, I'm a loser. I accept this as a fact of life. I'm into books that almost 21 year olds just shouldn't be into. For instance, I'm totally into the whole Percy Jackson thing. Percy Jackson and the Olympians? great. Heroes of Olympus? perfect. so when I heard about Rick Riordan's other mythology series about the Egyptian gods, I was all on board.
I started reading the first book in the series this evening. It's called The Red Pyramid. I'm currently about halfway through, and I don't want to sound harsh, but I really hate it. The plot is great it has a lot of potential. but the characters. god. the two main characters are named Carter and Sadie. for reasons that haven't really been explained, they were raised apart. They are both envious of the other.
Sadie lives with their grandparents on their mother's side in London where she complains because she can't fit in. apparently people asking where your dad is when he's a world famous Egyptologist is a difficult thing to live with. as is explaining that your mom is dead. seems pretty simple to me really. She's envious because Carter gets to live with their father.
Carter gets to travel the world with his father. He's envious because Sadie gets to have a normal life. Carter doesn't get any real kind of education and is constantly in danger because his father is on the run from a group of Egyptian magicians. He kind of gets the short end of the stick in my mind. they're constantly traveling and Carter never has a chance to really BE any place. he never gets to have any friends or make any memories. His whole life is what he can carry in one suitcase that can fit in an overhead compartment on an airplane.
So the story starts off with Carter and their father getting Sadie for their one day visit out of their two whole days visitation time for the year. and already I don't like Sadie. She's a bitch. she thinks she's so much better than her brother. and she's constantly making fun of him. and it only gets worse throughout the book!
Once they discover their powers she's like automatically good at them and Carter struggles. and she's like "haha. you suck!"
Usually, I'm all for strong female characters. but I fucking Hate Sadie. She has no redeeming qualities. And come on Rick! it seems to me like you made your main character (I see Carter as the main character) suck! If he doesn't get substantially better than Sadie (or at least shut her smug ass up) by the end of this book, I'm dropping the series. and That is not something I do lightly.
P.S. I know nobody that actually reads this will know or care what I'm talking about, but I had to get this little rant off my chest and I couldn't find any discussion forums about The Red Pyramid. I'm sure they exist, but I didn't really want to look for them very much.
And another thing! nobody ever explains a thing to these kids! the Percy Jackson had this problem too. The adults all know what's going on but they never explain it to the kids. to try and spare them I suppose? but then they send these kids into these dangerous situations with next to no knowledge about how to deal with their situations. it seems counter productive. and since nobody ever explains it to the kids, the reader doesn't know either. we're left in the dark knowing that someone knows but isn't telling us. I hate that.
I may do more book-y things like this in the future. It depends how I feel about books I read.
Ta-ta
Citrina
Sunday, February 3, 2013
to E or not to E
Okay, so for the longest time I've been all "no, I'm probably never gonna get an e-reader. It's hard on my eyes to look at a lit up screen for a long time and I like paper books, you know?" but I have books on my computer that I read and it's getting so inconvenient to have to sit at my desk when I want to read them. Especially because oftentimes I'll sit and I'll read them until I finish. That's a long time to sit at my desk! sometimes 8 hours. that's hard on me in the first place since I prefer to read in bed. There's nothing I like more than a free day in bed where I can just read all day and finish a couple of books.
But when I only have the books I want to read on my computer, I have no choice but to spend my entire weekend at my desk. let me tell you, it's hard on my back and my eyes. I've had to resort to wearing my glasses when I have to be on the computer. It stinks.
And the worst part is that I KNOW there are no real reasons for me to be reluctant to get an e-reader. I'm just so into real books that I feel like I'm betraying them, which is a ridiculous notion. If I got an e-reader it wouldn't mean that I love paper books any less, I would just have more options for my reading. I could read any book. literally. any. book. now, I can only read books I can find, which let me tell you is becoming fewer and fewer.
My bookshelf is going to shun me.
I'm going to wake up one morning and it will have turned completely around to face the wall. It will feel betrayed and I will feel horrible.
But I just want to read my Goddamned books in bed. Why is this a big deal?
I don't know but I feel sick just thinking about getting an e-reader. but I really think that one will make my reading life better.
Anyway. I'm done with this weird rant thing. I'm gonna ask for a kindle paperwhite for my birthday. I'm gonna feel terrible and I'm gonna gain a bunch of weight by drowning those feelings in rootbeer (or Dr Pepper) and whiskey. and probably some form of chocolate.
and I'm gonna read my Percy Jackson books in bed and no body will be able to do a god damned thing to stop me.
Alright. Bye.
But when I only have the books I want to read on my computer, I have no choice but to spend my entire weekend at my desk. let me tell you, it's hard on my back and my eyes. I've had to resort to wearing my glasses when I have to be on the computer. It stinks.
And the worst part is that I KNOW there are no real reasons for me to be reluctant to get an e-reader. I'm just so into real books that I feel like I'm betraying them, which is a ridiculous notion. If I got an e-reader it wouldn't mean that I love paper books any less, I would just have more options for my reading. I could read any book. literally. any. book. now, I can only read books I can find, which let me tell you is becoming fewer and fewer.
My bookshelf is going to shun me.
I'm going to wake up one morning and it will have turned completely around to face the wall. It will feel betrayed and I will feel horrible.
But I just want to read my Goddamned books in bed. Why is this a big deal?
I don't know but I feel sick just thinking about getting an e-reader. but I really think that one will make my reading life better.
Anyway. I'm done with this weird rant thing. I'm gonna ask for a kindle paperwhite for my birthday. I'm gonna feel terrible and I'm gonna gain a bunch of weight by drowning those feelings in rootbeer (or Dr Pepper) and whiskey. and probably some form of chocolate.
and I'm gonna read my Percy Jackson books in bed and no body will be able to do a god damned thing to stop me.
Alright. Bye.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Adult things
If I ever manage to get a boyfriend (which I'm assured will happen sooner or later), and then if I ever manage to land myself a husband (which I'm also assured will happen), I'm not sure where I'll go from there.
I'm essentially a very selfish individual. If it ever happens that I love someone enough to agree to marry them, I'm not sure I'd be able to share that person with a child. I'd probably end up depressed as hell feeling unwanted and unnecessary. and what if that love ends? I don't want to bring a child into a nasty divorce (or perhaps even worse, string along a loveless marriage). and what if I have a kid and neglect it, like my parents. parenting is for the rest of your life. you can't just give up on your kids once they can kind of look after themselves. I'm not sure I could handle that.
On the one hand having children would be cool and things. like it's a mini you and you can shape it and love it and comfort it. but on the other hand, I would have a hard time with the vomiting and crying and pooping it does.
I'd be one of those no-nonsense moms. you are not going to fucking throw a temper tantrum in this store or I will put you in the box of shame. and don't you dare try to put that candy in the cart. and don't even get me started about holidays. my uncle and I frequently talk about my future because I've been tasked with his well-being when he gets too decrepit to take care of himself. he assures me that he and my future husband (whomever he may be) will make my life hell during Holidays. I replied to him that there will be no nonsense while I'm cooking or cleaning. any other time it will be fine. as long as it's not at the dinner table. and I have full rights to throw my cheap dishes (that he got me for christmas this year but one of the bowls was missing) at them and order them into the garage so they can make me something that will make me not mad at them.
My uncle says I'm going to be a ball-buster of a wife because I catch his mistakes and point them out to him. he almost knelt on the table leaves as we were cleaning up from the holidays and after he was done wrapping them up I said "that was a good decision you made in not kneeling on those." I watch people do what they're doing. If they make a mistake, depending on the gravity, I might or might not tell them right away. but I will always acknowledge when someone makes a wise decision. I think I'm very reasonable in the tasks I expect men to do.
Anyway, My uncle doesn't really like children, because most children are "little shits" (though he said that he will like mine should I have them, based almost solely on the fact that they would be mine. and because they would be mine, they wouldn't be little shits). and actually, I agree. I don't really like children. but the one thing that's keeping me from saying "nope never ever ever gonna have kids ever" and getting my tubes tied right now is that comforting a scared child has always kind of been something I've wanted to do. I don't really remember a whole lot of my mom. It will be 7 years since she killed herself this May 14th, and I don't really have a whole lot of memories left from my childhood. but one memory that I do have is of my dad going on a rampage in mine and my sister's room, cleaning it (throwing everything in a garbage bag and throwing it away). I was really scared and I remember my mom holding me, real comfortingly.
I've been told before that I make up some of my memories. so this may or may not even be a real memory, but it doesn't really matter. because of that memory, I've wanted to be able to comfort a child. and for various other reasons that I don't really want to go into right now, I'd prefer to not adopt if I were going to want children someday (although if I were going to adopt I would probably go for a brother and sister of around 6 or so, lets skip the poopy diaper stage if we can yeah?).
And this may sound strange coming from a girl who currently doesn't want kids at all, but if I'm gonna go through the trouble of pushing a baby through my vagina, I want to get it all done with as soon as possible and have twins. a boy and a girl. and as they grow up I want them to learn different languages. I want them to know at least 3. Obviously English would be their first language. and then I would want them to have another language in common, but one that neither I nor their father knows. siblings need to be able to have some sibling secrets from their parents. and then I would want them to each have another language that's just for themselves. so they can have some independent thought and keep some secrets to themselves.
Maybe that's unrealistic, but I think it would be good if possible.
I also like to think I'd be strict on entertainment and cell phones. It would be books in my home- reading out-loud before bed, story making games. Those are the kinds of things I did as a kid. at first it was a chore, but as soon as I found out that a higher reading ability wasn't something to be embarrassed about, it was the one thing I was proud of. family movie night would be a thing and maybe some tv on weekends, but a home full of book lovers is what I will cultivate. There's no need for tv when you have books aplenty. and they wouldn't have cell phones until they drive unless they have some after-school activity that requires them to travel or something. It's just not necessary before then.
Okay, this is a really long post to say that I don't want kids, but if I ever do happen to want them I'll want twins, a boy and a girl.
P.S. I'm terrified that I'm gonna end up an old maid. (that's such an archaic term, but it completely encapsulates my fear.) I don't want to grow old alone.
I'm essentially a very selfish individual. If it ever happens that I love someone enough to agree to marry them, I'm not sure I'd be able to share that person with a child. I'd probably end up depressed as hell feeling unwanted and unnecessary. and what if that love ends? I don't want to bring a child into a nasty divorce (or perhaps even worse, string along a loveless marriage). and what if I have a kid and neglect it, like my parents. parenting is for the rest of your life. you can't just give up on your kids once they can kind of look after themselves. I'm not sure I could handle that.
On the one hand having children would be cool and things. like it's a mini you and you can shape it and love it and comfort it. but on the other hand, I would have a hard time with the vomiting and crying and pooping it does.
I'd be one of those no-nonsense moms. you are not going to fucking throw a temper tantrum in this store or I will put you in the box of shame. and don't you dare try to put that candy in the cart. and don't even get me started about holidays. my uncle and I frequently talk about my future because I've been tasked with his well-being when he gets too decrepit to take care of himself. he assures me that he and my future husband (whomever he may be) will make my life hell during Holidays. I replied to him that there will be no nonsense while I'm cooking or cleaning. any other time it will be fine. as long as it's not at the dinner table. and I have full rights to throw my cheap dishes (that he got me for christmas this year but one of the bowls was missing) at them and order them into the garage so they can make me something that will make me not mad at them.
My uncle says I'm going to be a ball-buster of a wife because I catch his mistakes and point them out to him. he almost knelt on the table leaves as we were cleaning up from the holidays and after he was done wrapping them up I said "that was a good decision you made in not kneeling on those." I watch people do what they're doing. If they make a mistake, depending on the gravity, I might or might not tell them right away. but I will always acknowledge when someone makes a wise decision. I think I'm very reasonable in the tasks I expect men to do.
Anyway, My uncle doesn't really like children, because most children are "little shits" (though he said that he will like mine should I have them, based almost solely on the fact that they would be mine. and because they would be mine, they wouldn't be little shits). and actually, I agree. I don't really like children. but the one thing that's keeping me from saying "nope never ever ever gonna have kids ever" and getting my tubes tied right now is that comforting a scared child has always kind of been something I've wanted to do. I don't really remember a whole lot of my mom. It will be 7 years since she killed herself this May 14th, and I don't really have a whole lot of memories left from my childhood. but one memory that I do have is of my dad going on a rampage in mine and my sister's room, cleaning it (throwing everything in a garbage bag and throwing it away). I was really scared and I remember my mom holding me, real comfortingly.
I've been told before that I make up some of my memories. so this may or may not even be a real memory, but it doesn't really matter. because of that memory, I've wanted to be able to comfort a child. and for various other reasons that I don't really want to go into right now, I'd prefer to not adopt if I were going to want children someday (although if I were going to adopt I would probably go for a brother and sister of around 6 or so, lets skip the poopy diaper stage if we can yeah?).
And this may sound strange coming from a girl who currently doesn't want kids at all, but if I'm gonna go through the trouble of pushing a baby through my vagina, I want to get it all done with as soon as possible and have twins. a boy and a girl. and as they grow up I want them to learn different languages. I want them to know at least 3. Obviously English would be their first language. and then I would want them to have another language in common, but one that neither I nor their father knows. siblings need to be able to have some sibling secrets from their parents. and then I would want them to each have another language that's just for themselves. so they can have some independent thought and keep some secrets to themselves.
Maybe that's unrealistic, but I think it would be good if possible.
I also like to think I'd be strict on entertainment and cell phones. It would be books in my home- reading out-loud before bed, story making games. Those are the kinds of things I did as a kid. at first it was a chore, but as soon as I found out that a higher reading ability wasn't something to be embarrassed about, it was the one thing I was proud of. family movie night would be a thing and maybe some tv on weekends, but a home full of book lovers is what I will cultivate. There's no need for tv when you have books aplenty. and they wouldn't have cell phones until they drive unless they have some after-school activity that requires them to travel or something. It's just not necessary before then.
Okay, this is a really long post to say that I don't want kids, but if I ever do happen to want them I'll want twins, a boy and a girl.
P.S. I'm terrified that I'm gonna end up an old maid. (that's such an archaic term, but it completely encapsulates my fear.) I don't want to grow old alone.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
I Wish I Were Religious
Religion is a lot of things for a lot of people. For some people, it may be what their whole lives are about. For others, like myself, religion is an annoyance in life that must be tolerated because of how pervasive it is.
Needless to say (though I will still say it), I don't understand the religious fervor all that well. In my opinion, religion is a crutch that people use when they want someone to blame for the bad parts of their life. "God has a plan for all of us" and all that. I sincerely do not subscribe to that idea. Not to mention I find it a little far-fetched.
Religion can also offer good things, like a solid moral code. Many people take this code too far, or pick and choose the parts they want to believe in (ever heard of a very religious gangster? I have). This moral code is definitely a good thing, extremists give it a bad name, but the foundation and idea of this part of religion is solid. But a lot of people don't need religion to have a solid moral code now. Mostly you just need a conscience and some common sense. I, for instance, am an atheist. I don't believe in any sort of god or higher power. But I have a very strong morality and I refuse to let other people sway my morals.
Morals aren't why I wish I was religious. It's more of the first reason I talked about. I wish I thought there were some higher being that was pulling all my stings to lead me to where I was meant to be. Life is a scary, scary thing and I'm at kind of a really difficult part. I'm almost out of school. I'm in this area where one foot is in the real world and the other is still protected. I'm terrified of what will happen to me once I'm all on my own in the real world. If I believed there were someone out there, looking after me and listening to prayers, I'd be praying all the time "please push me in the right direction." and it might make me feel a little less lost, a little less out of control in this big scary world.
Many people would hear that little confession I just made and say "well then you do believe in a god." or "well then it's easy, just put your faith in god" or something like that. But it's not that easy. I'm not even entirely sure it's possible. Once you don't believe in god, there's no way to recover that. My faith is set firmly in science. I admire the religious for their god.
Most of all, I think I'd like to say grace. My family isn't religious, so we never say grace or anything like that. but I think it's a marvelous idea, being thankful for the food you have every single day. I don't think you even necessarily have to be religious for it, it just gives people a good reason for it. If I went home right now and suggested we say grace before a dinner, I would get strange looks and maybe a few laughs. but it seems like a good idea to say "I'm really grateful that we are together and we have food for this meal and for the love we share." Is that such a bad thing? to be grateful for the things we have that make our lives easier? for the people we love that are in our lives? I don't think so. I think it's a very nice idea.
The world we live in is one where people often take those things for granted and I think it would be nice if maybe just once a day we could be thankful for the things we have. Most of us do it on Thanksgiving anyway, and we don't have to make it particularly religious. why can't we just do it every day?
But then again, maybe we don't need to say it out loud. maybe if we just think about everything we are lucky enough to have, it would be good enough. maybe I just feel like I need to be able to acknowledge this wonderfulness that I have even if somethings in my life aren't great. especially if things aren't great. Maybe the worse things you have in your life, the more you need to acknowledge the good things. the more you need to say out loud "I'm really grateful I have this in my life." so people can hear you and they can think about it too.
Maybe religion doesn't need to be a part of it. Maybe I don't actually want to be religious. life would still be scary. I still wouldn't know what is going to happen to me. nothing would actually change except the social acceptability of being able to be thankful for what we all have. . . I don't know.
Enough of this weird rant.
"I'm really grateful to live in a time where I am allowed to go to college and that I have the means and the desire to do so. I'm grateful that my family is supportive of me and that I have the few friends I have. I'm grateful to have food in my pantry and my refrigerator. I'm grateful that I have a dependable vehicle and a means to fill the tank with fuel. I'm grateful I have a warm home and a warm bed (creaky as it may be). and I'm grateful for you, whoever you are, if you decided to read this."
Citrina
Needless to say (though I will still say it), I don't understand the religious fervor all that well. In my opinion, religion is a crutch that people use when they want someone to blame for the bad parts of their life. "God has a plan for all of us" and all that. I sincerely do not subscribe to that idea. Not to mention I find it a little far-fetched.
Religion can also offer good things, like a solid moral code. Many people take this code too far, or pick and choose the parts they want to believe in (ever heard of a very religious gangster? I have). This moral code is definitely a good thing, extremists give it a bad name, but the foundation and idea of this part of religion is solid. But a lot of people don't need religion to have a solid moral code now. Mostly you just need a conscience and some common sense. I, for instance, am an atheist. I don't believe in any sort of god or higher power. But I have a very strong morality and I refuse to let other people sway my morals.
Morals aren't why I wish I was religious. It's more of the first reason I talked about. I wish I thought there were some higher being that was pulling all my stings to lead me to where I was meant to be. Life is a scary, scary thing and I'm at kind of a really difficult part. I'm almost out of school. I'm in this area where one foot is in the real world and the other is still protected. I'm terrified of what will happen to me once I'm all on my own in the real world. If I believed there were someone out there, looking after me and listening to prayers, I'd be praying all the time "please push me in the right direction." and it might make me feel a little less lost, a little less out of control in this big scary world.
Many people would hear that little confession I just made and say "well then you do believe in a god." or "well then it's easy, just put your faith in god" or something like that. But it's not that easy. I'm not even entirely sure it's possible. Once you don't believe in god, there's no way to recover that. My faith is set firmly in science. I admire the religious for their god.
Most of all, I think I'd like to say grace. My family isn't religious, so we never say grace or anything like that. but I think it's a marvelous idea, being thankful for the food you have every single day. I don't think you even necessarily have to be religious for it, it just gives people a good reason for it. If I went home right now and suggested we say grace before a dinner, I would get strange looks and maybe a few laughs. but it seems like a good idea to say "I'm really grateful that we are together and we have food for this meal and for the love we share." Is that such a bad thing? to be grateful for the things we have that make our lives easier? for the people we love that are in our lives? I don't think so. I think it's a very nice idea.
The world we live in is one where people often take those things for granted and I think it would be nice if maybe just once a day we could be thankful for the things we have. Most of us do it on Thanksgiving anyway, and we don't have to make it particularly religious. why can't we just do it every day?
But then again, maybe we don't need to say it out loud. maybe if we just think about everything we are lucky enough to have, it would be good enough. maybe I just feel like I need to be able to acknowledge this wonderfulness that I have even if somethings in my life aren't great. especially if things aren't great. Maybe the worse things you have in your life, the more you need to acknowledge the good things. the more you need to say out loud "I'm really grateful I have this in my life." so people can hear you and they can think about it too.
Maybe religion doesn't need to be a part of it. Maybe I don't actually want to be religious. life would still be scary. I still wouldn't know what is going to happen to me. nothing would actually change except the social acceptability of being able to be thankful for what we all have. . . I don't know.
Enough of this weird rant.
"I'm really grateful to live in a time where I am allowed to go to college and that I have the means and the desire to do so. I'm grateful that my family is supportive of me and that I have the few friends I have. I'm grateful to have food in my pantry and my refrigerator. I'm grateful that I have a dependable vehicle and a means to fill the tank with fuel. I'm grateful I have a warm home and a warm bed (creaky as it may be). and I'm grateful for you, whoever you are, if you decided to read this."
Citrina
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Insecurity
I'm very insecure. Agreed? Agreed.
About what, you ask?
what am I NOT insecure about?
not much.
I'm not even comfortable in my own skin. If people look at me, I want to disappear. why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't I just speak to people and make friends. maybe then I wouldn't hate myself so much. maybe then I wouldn't hate everything around me. maybe then I wouldn't have to be so sad all the goddamned time. because I could actually build a support system that didn't only involve family members who are obligated to tell me that I'm beautiful and awesome and I should just put myself out there because people will love me.
no. they won't. How could someone love me when even I can't stand myself?
anyone?
anyone?
. . .
That's what I thought.
About what, you ask?
what am I NOT insecure about?
not much.
I'm not even comfortable in my own skin. If people look at me, I want to disappear. why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't I just speak to people and make friends. maybe then I wouldn't hate myself so much. maybe then I wouldn't hate everything around me. maybe then I wouldn't have to be so sad all the goddamned time. because I could actually build a support system that didn't only involve family members who are obligated to tell me that I'm beautiful and awesome and I should just put myself out there because people will love me.
no. they won't. How could someone love me when even I can't stand myself?
anyone?
anyone?
. . .
That's what I thought.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Books lost
It's recently come to my attention that I will never remember all the books I've read as a child. which, all in all, wouldn't be that big of a deal because whether or not I completely remember the book, I remember parts of the story and that I did in fact love them. except that loving the books makes this worse as I strive to remember the most loved books and re-read them. alas, It'll never happen. more's the pity, I'll always be trying to remember them so I can go back to that time.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
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