I Wish I Were Religious

Religion is a lot of things for a lot of people. For some people, it may be what their whole lives are about. For others, like myself, religion is an annoyance in life that must be tolerated because of how pervasive it is.

Needless to say (though I will still say it), I don't understand the religious fervor all that well. In my opinion, religion is a crutch that people use when they want someone to blame for the bad parts of their life. "God has a plan for all of us" and all that. I sincerely do not subscribe to that idea. Not to mention I find it a little far-fetched.

Religion can also offer good things, like a solid moral code. Many people take this code too far, or pick and choose the parts they want to believe in (ever heard of a very religious gangster? I have). This moral code is definitely a good thing, extremists give it a bad name, but the foundation and idea of this part of religion is solid. But a lot of people don't need religion to have a solid moral code now. Mostly you just need a conscience and some common sense. I, for instance, am an atheist. I don't believe in any sort of god or higher power. But I have a very strong morality and I refuse to let other people sway my morals.

Morals aren't why I wish I was religious. It's more of the first reason I talked about. I wish I thought there were some higher being that was pulling all my stings to lead me to where I was meant to be. Life is a scary, scary thing and I'm at kind of a really difficult part. I'm almost out of school. I'm in this area where one foot is in the real world and the other is still protected. I'm terrified of what will happen to me once I'm all on my own in the real world. If I believed there were someone out there, looking after me and listening to prayers, I'd be praying all the time "please push me in the right direction." and it might make me feel a little less lost, a little less out of control in this big scary world.

Many people would hear that little confession I just made and say "well then you do believe in a god." or "well then it's easy, just put your faith in god" or something like that. But it's not that easy. I'm not even entirely sure it's possible. Once you don't believe in god, there's no way to recover that. My faith is set firmly in science. I admire the religious for their god.

Most of all, I think I'd like to say grace. My family isn't religious, so we never say grace or anything like that. but I think it's a marvelous idea, being thankful for the food you have every single day. I don't think you even necessarily have to be religious for it, it just gives people a good reason for it. If I went home right now and suggested we say grace before a dinner, I would get strange looks and maybe a few laughs. but it seems like a good idea to say "I'm really grateful that we are together and we have food for this meal and for the love we share." Is that such a bad thing? to be grateful for the things we have that make our lives easier? for the people we love that are in our lives?  I don't think so. I think it's a very nice idea.

The world we live in is one where people often take those things for granted and I think it would be nice if maybe just once a day we could be thankful for the things we have. Most of us do it on Thanksgiving anyway, and we don't have to make it particularly religious. why can't we just do it every day?

But then again, maybe we don't need to say it out loud. maybe if we just think about everything we are lucky enough to have, it would be good enough. maybe I just feel like I need to be able to acknowledge this wonderfulness that I have even if somethings in my life aren't great. especially if things aren't great. Maybe the worse things you have in your life, the more you need to acknowledge the good things. the more you need to say out loud "I'm really grateful I have this in my life." so people can hear you and they can think about it too.

Maybe religion doesn't need to be a part of it. Maybe I don't actually want to be religious. life would still be scary. I still wouldn't know what is going to happen to me. nothing would actually change except the social acceptability of being able to be thankful for what we all have. . . I don't know.

Enough of this weird rant.
"I'm really grateful to live in a time where I am allowed to go to college and that I have the means and the desire to do so. I'm grateful that my family is supportive of me and that I have the few friends I have. I'm grateful to have food in my pantry and my refrigerator. I'm grateful that I have a dependable vehicle and a means to fill the tank with fuel. I'm grateful I have a warm home and a warm bed (creaky as it may be). and I'm grateful for you, whoever you are, if you decided to read this."

Citrina

Insecurity

I'm very insecure. Agreed? Agreed.

About what, you ask?

what am I NOT insecure about?

not much.

I'm not even comfortable in my own skin. If people look at me, I want to disappear. why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't I just speak to people and make friends. maybe then I wouldn't hate myself so much. maybe then I wouldn't hate everything around me. maybe then I wouldn't have to be so sad all the goddamned time. because I could actually build a support system that didn't only involve family members who are obligated to tell me that I'm beautiful and awesome and I should just put myself out there because people will love me.

no. they won't. How could someone love me when even I can't stand myself?

anyone?

anyone?

. . .

That's what I thought.

Books lost

It's recently come to my attention that I will never remember all the books I've read as a child. which, all in all, wouldn't be that big of a deal because whether or not I completely remember the book, I remember parts of the story and that I did in fact love them. except that loving the books makes this worse as I strive to remember the most loved books and re-read them. alas, It'll never happen. more's the pity, I'll always be trying to remember them so I can go back to that time.

I also Love Adele

Lately

Lately I've been feeling very sad and lonely. like I've been left out of something that I was so looking forward to. I feel like people that love me and care about me just really haven't had time for me. I know it isn't true, that my mind is up to it's old depression tricks. but it's really hard to keep myself from going down that way. after all, who would care about me? who wants to listen about how I'm feeling all the time? I annoy myself so why wouldn't other people get annoyed by me? why should my family have to put up with this worthless person who can't seem to get over one stupid person from her life. it's not the end of the world after all.

I hardly ever get like this anymore. mostly only after I dream about her. which I did last night. I keep thinking how wonderful it would be if I could just stay in that dream all the time, where people actually loved me. and where she was alive again. and we lived in that house again, just me and her.

Just thinking about it really makes me want to cry.

and on top of that I'm sort of worried about school again. last time I had such a difficult time. I wanted to go home after I was there for 2 days.  I'm really going to miss my aunt and uncle again.

alright.

Ta

Luxury

for this post I will refer to "Growing up" and "adult". I seem to be in a weird place where I am grown up but not yet an adult. although, legally I am an adult.

So, while I was growing up there were always certain luxuries that I was not allowed. and things that I've found that I really really want to have when I own my own home, or am living in an apartment, supporting myself. it's actually a little bit odd. one of the things I really really want is a dining room table with a table cloth. and nice furniture. I've never once had nice furniture in all my life. it's always been used, falling apart and stinking. it's not that my family is too poor to afford a nice couch, no, never that. my dad simply does not see the need to have a nice couch when the one we have is serviceable. even if it does smell like an old wet cat has been chain smoking on it for 50 years.
matching dishes and wall decor
decorative towels in the bathroom
a vanity and bench
that doesn't seem like too much to ask.

when I am an adult and living on my own, I promise myself that I will have those things. I won't be able to get them all at once, but I will have them.

Would you lay here? Would you lay with me?

:)
Ta-ta