Books lost

It's recently come to my attention that I will never remember all the books I've read as a child. which, all in all, wouldn't be that big of a deal because whether or not I completely remember the book, I remember parts of the story and that I did in fact love them. except that loving the books makes this worse as I strive to remember the most loved books and re-read them. alas, It'll never happen. more's the pity, I'll always be trying to remember them so I can go back to that time.

I also Love Adele

Lately

Lately I've been feeling very sad and lonely. like I've been left out of something that I was so looking forward to. I feel like people that love me and care about me just really haven't had time for me. I know it isn't true, that my mind is up to it's old depression tricks. but it's really hard to keep myself from going down that way. after all, who would care about me? who wants to listen about how I'm feeling all the time? I annoy myself so why wouldn't other people get annoyed by me? why should my family have to put up with this worthless person who can't seem to get over one stupid person from her life. it's not the end of the world after all.

I hardly ever get like this anymore. mostly only after I dream about her. which I did last night. I keep thinking how wonderful it would be if I could just stay in that dream all the time, where people actually loved me. and where she was alive again. and we lived in that house again, just me and her.

Just thinking about it really makes me want to cry.

and on top of that I'm sort of worried about school again. last time I had such a difficult time. I wanted to go home after I was there for 2 days.  I'm really going to miss my aunt and uncle again.

alright.

Ta

Luxury

for this post I will refer to "Growing up" and "adult". I seem to be in a weird place where I am grown up but not yet an adult. although, legally I am an adult.

So, while I was growing up there were always certain luxuries that I was not allowed. and things that I've found that I really really want to have when I own my own home, or am living in an apartment, supporting myself. it's actually a little bit odd. one of the things I really really want is a dining room table with a table cloth. and nice furniture. I've never once had nice furniture in all my life. it's always been used, falling apart and stinking. it's not that my family is too poor to afford a nice couch, no, never that. my dad simply does not see the need to have a nice couch when the one we have is serviceable. even if it does smell like an old wet cat has been chain smoking on it for 50 years.
matching dishes and wall decor
decorative towels in the bathroom
a vanity and bench
that doesn't seem like too much to ask.

when I am an adult and living on my own, I promise myself that I will have those things. I won't be able to get them all at once, but I will have them.

Would you lay here? Would you lay with me?

:)
Ta-ta

I love harry potter themed songs.

<3

Mid-Summer Night's Dream

It's halfway through the summer and only about 2 weeks until the wedding. I'm pretty much done with it. but I'm excited for the rest of my summer after I can wash my hands of this god damned wedding. I got my glasses yesterday and I look fucking gorgeous wearing them. I swear, my face was MADE to wear glasses.

I just got back from a week and a half vacation in California which was sooo relaxing. and I had an epiphany of sorts. I was looking at pictures of the bridal shower that my cousin and I spent literal weeks planning and every picture that had my sister in it, I had the strong urge to slap my sister. I've decided that as soon as I can make it happen, I'm cutting ties with my sister. for at least a year. hopefully more.

I know. That sounds like a horrible thing to say about your sister and we've been through so much together that it's going to be hard. but she's poison to me. she's killing me and if I don't stop it then it won't be stopped and I'll go insane!

The really hard part is going to be that if I want to distance myself from her, it means I'll be distancing myself from the rest of my family too. the family that I love. I don't mind too terribly about distancing myself from my dad. he's a sort of poison too. but my aunt and uncle and cousins? they've been the only thing keeping me halfway sane through my entire crazy life so far.

anyway. I'll do what I have to.

Ta-La for now.

End of Year

The end of my first year in college has come and gone. I'm back at home in wonderful Vancouver. Now, anyone who actually LIVES in Vancouver is thinking I have something incredibly wrong with me right now. but honestly, summer in Vancouver is awesome. warm sunny days (but not too warm) cool refreshing nights. perfect. twilight is my favorite time of day all summer long. because the heat is just cooling off but it isn't too cool yet. although long walks in the twilight/evening sometimes get me in trouble with the mosquitoes (my blood is candy to them) and then I scratch the bites until they're nothing but giant scabs. all in all, summer is perhaps my favorite time of year.

In case anyone was wondering, My first year of college kind of sucked. you know that stereotypical college scene where it's sunny and boys are playing football or something? I never saw that at all. oh it was plenty sunny. but actually, the only day I ever saw the bustle I expected on my college campus was on my very last day there. Frisbee golf was being played on the lawn outside my dorms and people were going hither and yon trying to pack various sorts of vehicles to return home for the summer. It was the sort of thing I had been looking for and had missed all goddamn year and I had to experience it while moving my bloody boxes in 95 degree weather. I was so exhausted by the end that I couldn't even enjoy it.

well now that I'm home I have a lot more free time on my hands. currently, I have a huge headache. I was really looking forward to adventuring with my friends all over the west side this summer but as soon as I got home my sister sprung wedding  plans on me. now, she's counting on me to help plan her wedding in just under two months. it's a lot of pressure and we're all feeling it, but I think we can hold up. I really think it's going to be a good wedding and my soon-to-be brother in law is freeking awesome!

Anyway, I think that's enough for now.
Ta-la my dears

Have you ever

Have you ever felt the need to cry until you fall asleep? to cry long and hard and loud until someone takes your pain away?

That's what I'm feeling right now. and if I had the time, or the tears would come I would allow myself this one indulgence. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

Meaning that I can't even allow myself to do this because I have homework to do. and everything I do (or choose NOT to do) affects my future, and as I want the best possible future, I have to do everything I can to make that a possibility. essentially, I have to give my life to school right now. I can't even afford time to cry. not right now anyways.

My English mid-term is due in t-minus 20 hours and it may or may not take approximately that much time to do it.

Please cry for me.

To Tame the Wild Spirit. . .

If I was a poet, I would make a poem with this title about a girl who dreams of adventure, sitting at her desk doing math homework or something. I think I would enjoy it.

Existential crisis.

okay. not really. but . . . you know how before a major change that you've been anticipating, you imagine how everything is going to be? yeah. and then it never turns out that way? at least it doesn't for me. maybe it does for you. maybe I'm just one of the unlucky ones. anyway, I don't really have the patience right now for this. or the energy. I'm just waiting for the sun to finally go down so I can get some god damned sleep already. I know I was supposed to go to the gym today, but I realized that it would be stupid to start today because I'm donating blood tomorrow and wouldn't be allowed to work out. also, I'm really fucking tired.

The air coming in my window smells like pot.

I'm not really surprised.

Maybe I'll finish this one later.

Night.

My Party Jams (If I Were To Party)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmzXdtYzhFw&feature=related

also

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyMZ1A3QPlc

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mP2srT6hh2Y

oh, and this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLPHAzDMVT4
they make me want to go to a club.

I don't know how to make those the actual video but those are the links. so. . . cool.

Anxiety Averted. . . sorta

Okay you remember that post a couple days ago about me freaking out about the future? yeah. I feel a little bit better about my place in the world.

I just spent the better part of 3 hours planning the next 3 years of my life. I don't know minor details like where I'm going to live for those 3 years or how I'm going to pay for food, but I know what classes I'm going to take. which makes me feel reasonably content that I at least have a chance of getting a job at Random House when I graduate. which of course would be a dream come true.

However, I need some more motivation. I need some big New York posters or something. and a map. and i want to visit on vacation (which my dad will probably not do, but it would be so cool if he did)

Okay here's my plan: I work my ass off for the next 3 years getting a BA in English Language and Literature with a Writing Specialization and a professional Writing Certificate.

sound hard?

Oh, and did I mention that I want to graduate with honors?
it probably won't happen, but I'm aiming for it.

High school was such a personal failure for me that I want college to make me someone that employers want to hire.

That's all. I'm going to have a talk with my adviser to see if it's actually possible to do this. not today. maybe sometime later this week.

Quick! Everyone Panic!

Have you ever thought to the future. . . no, that isn't where I want to start this.

Okay, back when I was in elementary school I thought middle school was so far away that I would never get there. I thought the same thing as a 6th grader for high school, and a freshman for college.  what I know now is that whether you like it or not, whether you make a conscious effort to do the best you can every single day, the world moves on. Time, moves on. and you reach the future that you never thought you would reach. back in middle school, thinking I would never get to high school was nothing. high school isn't the real world. it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. you forget what you were memorized for that one history test, and those math equations that you never remembered in the first place that you wrote on your hand for the test. high school doesn't matter.

but now. . . I'm in college, worrying about the future again. but this time it's for real. the future after college is real life, and I'm worried that I'm not cut out for it. what if I can't make it? I'll go crazy if I'm stuck in Vancouver for the rest of my life! but what if. what if I can't make it in New York like I DESPERATELY want to? what am I supposed to do if I'm no good? come back to Vancouver and work at a lame job and live in a second rate apartment? I don't want that kind of life. What if I simply can't do it?

every once in a while these thoughts come back to me and I panic. I know it stems from my abysmally low self-esteem, but that doesn't help the fear that I won't make it in the world. Andrew says that I won't end up destitute on the streets of New York. I think he says it to make me feel better (which he always does when I'm feeling sad) but he says he knows I won't because he "knows me". which I suppose makes sense. i would never let myself live on the streets, especially if there was somewhere else I could go (and I'll always be able to come home to my family in Vancouver, no matter how bad things get).

My friend Thanh says that all we can worry about is the here and now. Whenever I start to worry about the future, I just have to remind myself to slow down and breathe. I'm not there yet, I still have time. all I can do is worry about now. I can start worrying about the future next year when I'm applying for internships. :-p I feel like that's probably going to be a stressful time in my life.

She's the best witch

That is all.

Fuck you.

That's all.

It's midnight and I'm Hyped

Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because I got 16 hours of sleep last night. maybe it's because I'm so full of nerves and stress that i can't sit down at my computer and do a single constructive thing. maybe it's for some other reason. but what can I do about it? well I'm going to take a drive. after I at least START my revisions to my paper that's due in the morning. well. in the afternoon. maybe a run would be better. maybe I'll drive to the middle of no where and then I'll just run. like no one even cares who I am or where I am going. Like I don't care where I am or where I'm going. because this night needs to be taken advantage of because I can feel it's beauty surrounding me and I just need a drive and a run.

Have a good night.

Feminism is for bitches.

Seriously. I used to call myself a feminist before I wised up. in my opinion, feminism is a movement by a bunch of bitter females who want to say that they can do a mans job without putting the work into it. Yes, women can do anything a man can do. . . you know, except pee standing up. women have to kind of squat if they want to do that. . . anyway. a woman can do a "man's job" just as well as a man. however, as men both think differently and develop differently it takes a shitload more effort on the woman's part. for instance, if a woman wants to be a fire fighter I say more power to her. however, she has to be willing to sacrifice a lot to get that. fire fighters have to be strong. period. men are stronger than women. it's genetics. but, a woman CAN be strong enough to do the job, she just has to work like hell to get there. she has to work a lot harder than any male would have to.

If I may use a literary reference here, in the Protector of the Small book series by Tamora Peirce the main character (Kel) want to become a knight. no one thought she could do it because she was a girl. she worked her ass of (working much harder than ANY of the men in the book) to be a knight. was it fair? maybe not. but it's how it had to be because without doing that she wouldn't have been able to be on the same ground as the men. they would all have to worry about her not being strong in a combat situation and that in turn would make them weaker. any group is only as strong as their weakest person.

the same thing applies to any woman who wants to do a man's job. they can't whine and complain that they have to work harder than the men do. I saw a documentary in psychology last year that talked about the difference between a man and a woman's genetic differences. in the documentary a "feminist" lawyer talked about how the standards for women to be a fire fighter should be lower than a man's standard because a woman can't be expected to carry as much as a man or to run as fast as a man. Frankly, I think that's bullshit. and if that's how the fire fighters are being run I hope to god my house never burns down.

As a woman, I think it's very nice to be thought of as a person and not an object. and it's very nice to be able to vote. but honestly, as a woman I'd rather be treated like a lady from back in the day. where men held open doors for a lady and pushed in their chair. i want to be taken care of. the world is harsh and I want to be protected by a man.

furthermore, I'd rather be a house wife than a working wife any day. I like to make people happy, and that would go double for anyone I loved enough to want to make them my husband. he would take care of me and I would take care of him, cooking and cleaning and making him happy. no more of this "I'm a woman and I want to be treated differently because I'm a woman but I still want to be your equal" bullshit. no. I'm a woman, treat me like a woman.

. . .

Okay. . . now that we all have heard my little rant about society and feminism I think I will say "have a wonderful weekend" to anyone who may read this (which, as I've said before, is probably no one) and I will finish my homework and fall into a much needed and much appreciated drug-induced slumber.

goodbye my dears.

Me

I lack social skills.

For the first

Essentially, this is just going to be my place to put random things that I think are funny, inspiring, or that I just plain like. Every once in a while I will probably put something meaningful, but don't count on it. currently, I'm supposed to be writing an English paper, but I'm procrastinating on it because it is hard.
well, that's about it.
Toodles!