Full to Bursting

My mind is so full. With Greek mythology, with sadness, with loneliness, and all other manner of procrastinating thoughts that I can't even begin to stat thinking about the writing that I have to do for my classes.

Why does it have to be Easter and I have to be alone? why does alcohol not solve the problem? it's no fun alone anyway. I wish holidays didn't exist, then I wouldn't have to be reminded that I'm alone, that I've always BEEN alone, and that I'll continue to be alone for the foreseeable future.

I've been reading the Percy Jackson books. AGAIN. because I'm obsessive. it's making me obsess with Greek Myth too. Not that I wasn't already obsessed with myth, it's just making it worse. Now that school has started up again, it's a little bit harder. I've only been in classes for like 3 days, but already I can tell I'm going to be so worn out by the end of this quarter. Not to mention the fact that somehow I have to figure out how to get an internship for this summer.

Honestly, I feel like my life is going to implode from all the stress I'm under. So naturally, my brain is trying to get me to forget my stresses by distracting me with Percy Jackson, and Greek myth, and being sad.

But now's not the time! I've got things I have to do!

I have a 500 word essay due on Tuesday. This is an essay for Creative Non-fiction, so it doesn't really have a topic. Surprisingly, that makes it about 1000% harder for me. I could probably even use one of these blog posts as my assignment. but that's cheating huh? I feel like it is.

God, I remember freaking out about my future freshman year. You remember? way back when I started this? It's fucking real now. I'm graduating next year. What the fuck am I going to do? I need this internship. I need a miracle. I need to pass these classes. I need to get good grades.

Why can I not do anything but worry about all this? it's like I'm mentally and physically incapable of doing anything productive.

Why can I not imagine a future for myself?

Questions are filling my mind to bursting along with the stress, the myth, and the procrastination.
Am I going crazy?
maybe.

Can I get through?
I have to don't I? It's not like I can kill myself and solve my problems. I promised myself that wasn't my path back in high school right?

but if I end up working at McDonalds after I graduate and perpetuate THAT English major stereotype. . . I'm going to be very mad.

Jesus, this has turned out weird.

I really just need to calm down.

How do I do that? I don't even know.

I wish I could just get my mind to SHUT UP every once in a while. I wish I wasn't such a god-damned lunatic.

I'm going to go before I go into an all out self-hatred rant.
Hope your Easter rocks.

I'll leave you with this adorable picture of the Easter bunny from when he isn't believed in from Dreamworks Rise of the Guardians
He's so adorable!
:D
night.

St. Patty's Day

Exactly one year ago, I had my first kiss. It's a little sad that I hadn't had my first kiss until 3 days before my 20th birthday, but that's how it went. It wasn't even like I was expecting it, or even wanting it really. My friend and I had gone to an 18+ club for a St. Patrick's Day party. somewhere around 1am I was dancing and there was some guy dancing behind me. he wasn't really dancing with me, but he did happen to bump into me every once in a while and then somehow it morphed into us dancing together. Don't ask how it happened, I don't know.

The next thing I knew, there was a tongue in my mouth.
after that charming experience, I felt the need to soak my tongue in mouth wash. I kept popping mints to try and get the feeling off my tongue.

I ended up asking my friend if she wouldn't mind leaving early. The atmosphere that had pulled me along had broken, and I just felt uncomfortable. She said she didn't mind, but I feel like our friendship hasn't been the same since.

Yup. That's how it happened. So romantic. I'm so glad that my first kiss was with a drunk underage idiot that I didn't know at all. although I did later find out that his name was Levi, he was 20, and he was Romanian.

On a side note, I also found out he lived near the big pink porn store with his parents who apparently didn't approve of him bringing girls home.

I don't know why I wanted to write this, but it seems like an important moment that I should write out. people want their first kiss to be with someone they really like, they want it to be sweet and after a date or something. I guess that's just not how it happens for everyone.

This

Just because I don't always tell everyone what I'm feeling all the time, doesn't mean I don't understand too! It doesn't make my feelings any less valid! It doesn't mean you can look down on my life because of how you're assuming I feel. You can't decide on your own that your life is harder than mine.

“When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through.”

I got this quote from a movie I watched 3 years ago on senior skip day. I didn't like the movie too much, but this quote has stuck with me. It's so relevant and I think if everyone just thought about this, people might try to compete for 'worst life' less, and try to help each other out more. 

Maybe not.

But just because I try not to show my struggles like you do, doesn't mean I don't have them. and I find them just as hard as yours.

Adventure

This is a comic from a photocomic site called asofterworld.com
I've been reading this comic on and off for a number of years. Mostly, I think their comics are strange. Sometimes,they're cute. But never have I had one resonate to me like this one did. because this is how I feel.

I'm an adult now. My cage has been opened. Why am I not running as far and as fast as I can?

More than anything I want to have an adventure. I want to not really have a destination, I just want to go. somewhere. you know?

I want to wake up one morning and decide "Hey, I think I'll drive to South Carolina" and then do it, just because I can.

I want to travel far and wide, to wherever my whims take me. and I want to write about the whole thing.

Cheryl Strayed wrote a memoir called Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail. I haven't read it, but I want to. as you can probably tell it's about her hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. She hiked the entire thing with no experience and it was sort of a snap decision she made when she felt her life was falling apart. The book summary says that this journey that she went on broke her down and built her all back up again.

I feel like that's the kind of thing I need to do. I'd never make it hiking the entire Pacific Crest Trail. I'd like to say I could do that, but let's be honest here, I couldn't. But I feel like I need to do SOMETHING. I need to have an adventure of my own. I need to get lost and find my OWN way back. I need to be broken down so I can build myself over again. I need to run away from my open cage, instead of cowering inside of it.

Right now it feels as if the cage is open but there's still this tether holding me in saying "No. It's not time yet." and I'm just waiting for the one tug that will break the tether so I can finally run free. Maybe I'll never be able to pull that hard. who knows.

I want to believe that I can though. that one day, I'll just decide to drive somewhere, anywhere, just because I can, and I'll finally get my adventure.

Citrina

The Hardest Part

The hardest part of being. . . well, being me, I suppose, is. . . I guess I'd have to say reality.

Reality is a really hard thing.
That's why I love books, and movies, and TV shows (though admittedly, the only tv shows I like are cartoons and Criminal Minds)
That's the weird thing about me. for things I love, movies, cartoons, and especially books, I get so invested, so caught up that I never want them to end. when the characters are tired, I'm tired. when they're thirsty, I'm thirsty (in one book I read, the main character was lost in a desert during one part. I drank so much water while I was reading that, it was ridiculous.) The point is that I would gladly give everything away right now if I could live in the fictional world of my choosing.
I want to live out my life in a world of adventures and magic and dragons! it doesn't matter what fictional world I went to as long as I didn't have to stay here.

Unfortunately, books and other media are the closest things I can get.

Which is why I love books!

the hardest part of loving these things is the end. because all of them end. and I'm left wondering, well what happened to this minor character? what happened to the dog? what's his back story? did he ever find his parents? did they ever fall in love? did they have kids? what happens next?

What. Happens. Next.

It's always terribly upsetting. and there's nothing to help it, except to watch it again. or read it again. and again. and again. until the story is mine and I know every minute detail. until I know every emotion like it was my own. and then I move on to the next movie or book that's waiting for me. and I do this same thing over and over and over again. waiting for it to somehow be okay. waiting for MY turn.

I have no patience for things I don't love though. I can make myself read them or watch them, but I won't like it. If I have to watch a movie I'm not enamored with, it seems like it lasts a lifetime. Books that I don't like (Little Women, I'm talking to you) drag on and on. it takes me at least twice as long to finish, if I don't quit it entirely (or put off until further notice/ indefinitely)

I guess the point of this post is to say that for me, reading and watching something is all or nothing. and it's everything to me. I would probably go insane if I couldn't disappear into a book for hours upon hours at any point in my day. I'm not saying I'm not already insane. I'm just pointing out that I would probably become unstable and would have to be put away for my own good.

Also, there's this: Get over yourself adulthood, I'll never give up my cartoons!

I like them so much more than anything live-action, you see. cause the further I get away from reality, the more I like it.

ta ta, mes amis.