If I ever manage to get a boyfriend (which I'm assured will happen sooner or later), and then if I ever manage to land myself a husband (which I'm also assured will happen), I'm not sure where I'll go from there.
I'm essentially a very selfish individual. If it ever happens that I love someone enough to agree to marry them, I'm not sure I'd be able to share that person with a child. I'd probably end up depressed as hell feeling unwanted and unnecessary. and what if that love ends? I don't want to bring a child into a nasty divorce (or perhaps even worse, string along a loveless marriage). and what if I have a kid and neglect it, like my parents. parenting is for the rest of your life. you can't just give up on your kids once they can kind of look after themselves. I'm not sure I could handle that.
On the one hand having children would be cool and things. like it's a mini you and you can shape it and love it and comfort it. but on the other hand, I would have a hard time with the vomiting and crying and pooping it does.
I'd be one of those no-nonsense moms. you are not going to fucking throw a temper tantrum in this store or I will put you in the box of shame. and don't you dare try to put that candy in the cart. and don't even get me started about holidays. my uncle and I frequently talk about my future because I've been tasked with his well-being when he gets too decrepit to take care of himself. he assures me that he and my future husband (whomever he may be) will make my life hell during Holidays. I replied to him that there will be no nonsense while I'm cooking or cleaning. any other time it will be fine. as long as it's not at the dinner table. and I have full rights to throw my cheap dishes (that he got me for christmas this year but one of the bowls was missing) at them and order them into the garage so they can make me something that will make me not mad at them.
My uncle says I'm going to be a ball-buster of a wife because I catch his mistakes and point them out to him. he almost knelt on the table leaves as we were cleaning up from the holidays and after he was done wrapping them up I said "that was a good decision you made in not kneeling on those." I watch people do what they're doing. If they make a mistake, depending on the gravity, I might or might not tell them right away. but I will always acknowledge when someone makes a wise decision. I think I'm very reasonable in the tasks I expect men to do.
Anyway, My uncle doesn't really like children, because most children are "little shits" (though he said that he will like mine should I have them, based almost solely on the fact that they would be mine. and because they would be mine, they wouldn't be little shits). and actually, I agree. I don't really like children. but the one thing that's keeping me from saying "nope never ever ever gonna have kids ever" and getting my tubes tied right now is that comforting a scared child has always kind of been something I've wanted to do. I don't really remember a whole lot of my mom. It will be 7 years since she killed herself this May 14th, and I don't really have a whole lot of memories left from my childhood. but one memory that I do have is of my dad going on a rampage in mine and my sister's room, cleaning it (throwing everything in a garbage bag and throwing it away). I was really scared and I remember my mom holding me, real comfortingly.
I've been told before that I make up some of my memories. so this may or may not even be a real memory, but it doesn't really matter. because of that memory, I've wanted to be able to comfort a child. and for various other reasons that I don't really want to go into right now, I'd prefer to not adopt if I were going to want children someday (although if I were going to adopt I would probably go for a brother and sister of around 6 or so, lets skip the poopy diaper stage if we can yeah?).
And this may sound strange coming from a girl who currently doesn't want kids at all, but if I'm gonna go through the trouble of pushing a baby through my vagina, I want to get it all done with as soon as possible and have twins. a boy and a girl. and as they grow up I want them to learn different languages. I want them to know at least 3. Obviously English would be their first language. and then I would want them to have another language in common, but one that neither I nor their father knows. siblings need to be able to have some sibling secrets from their parents. and then I would want them to each have another language that's just for themselves. so they can have some independent thought and keep some secrets to themselves.
Maybe that's unrealistic, but I think it would be good if possible.
I also like to think I'd be strict on entertainment and cell phones. It would be books in my home- reading out-loud before bed, story making games. Those are the kinds of things I did as a kid. at first it was a chore, but as soon as I found out that a higher reading ability wasn't something to be embarrassed about, it was the one thing I was proud of. family movie night would be a thing and maybe some tv on weekends, but a home full of book lovers is what I will cultivate. There's no need for tv when you have books aplenty. and they wouldn't have cell phones until they drive unless they have some after-school activity that requires them to travel or something. It's just not necessary before then.
Okay, this is a really long post to say that I don't want kids, but if I ever do happen to want them I'll want twins, a boy and a girl.
P.S. I'm terrified that I'm gonna end up an old maid. (that's such an archaic term, but it completely encapsulates my fear.) I don't want to grow old alone.
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